I Got A Job!

So you may or may not know this but I have been unemployed for some time now.  I'm not gonna say where but I will say its at one of the largest chain home improvement stores in the world and its not Lowes.  I was shocked when I got called for an interview and basically told the guy who ended up being my boss, "I'm sorry I'm nervous you're a very scary man." Then I went through over a week of training before I could work in the parking lot! 

This past week was the first time I was able to don the orange apron and I actually enjoyed myself aside from a few things.  The man they have training me is an eighteen year old high school student who is the most racist person I've ever met.  Yesterday I thought about taking this little abortion survivor to the trash compactor and see if he could crawl his way out before I got the door locked.  But aside from the usual stuff its going well. 

I'd Like to Take a Moment And Talk About My Penis

Before we begin and you come with me on this journey I would like to pose a question.  Would it have made you more or less uncomfortable if I said that I wanted to talk about Jesus Christ?  So lets begin with my penis; there's nothing really special about it.  I can't do push-ups with it like Jack Black, it doesn't ward off Bruce Willis like some rune encrusted divining rod that only leads you to old lady snatch like Ashton Kutcher, and then there's Brett Favre.  Brett Favre sent pictures of his penis from many different angles to a woman to try to impress her.  Brett Favre is a football legend so you would expect his penis to be able to crawl over, take the picture and still be standing next to Favre in the picture (they're the same height in this scenario).  Instead what the poor, frightened woman received was a picture of Mr. Magoo peeking out from a thick tuft of bushes.  Thankfully for everyone in the world, I have never sent a nude pic to anyone.  Though once as a dumb teenager while chatting with a girl online and exchanging pictures I did offer.  I am very grateful that she declined...  Actually she didn't just decline the offer it got to the point where she was saying "FOR GOD'S SAKE NO DON'T SEND ME A PICTURE OF YOUR DICK!!!" 

God and The Reverse Flash

Today I was waxing philosophical, don't worry I was alone in the house, and I began to wonder how God was created.  I should preface this blog with a few things.  First, I do believe in God but I also believe in evolution.  I think God is just another word for the being that set all things in motion.  Secondly, I had just read Geoff John's Flash #8 the origin story of the Reverse Flash.

So how did God come into existence?  Well time is like a stream constantly moving in one direction, but for God all existence in all form is available for visitation (in my mind this makes sense).  So I decided that God may have come into existence by traveling back in time to before he or she existed and then creating him or herself.  Less than a second after this thought popped into my head, I realized that I am stupid.  I immediately began thinking of God as a comic book character.  "God The Planet-Eater" spared the planet Nazareth after he or she adopted the planet's mightiest warrior Jesus as his or her adopted son.  And that is where the name Jesus of Nazareth came from.

I Solve The Teen Pregnancy Problem

Apparently, there is an epidemic of sixteen year old girls across America that are screwing like rabbits.  I know what your thinking, 'I thought epidemics were bad things' but that's inappropriate and I won't have that kind of perversion on my blog.  So back to the underage sex.  You see a few years ago MTV shined a light on these easy teens with the show 16 and Pregnant.  Nobody could have expected how successful the show would become, not even Lucifer the great deceiver who I hear has a sweet VP position over at MTV.  Anyway, now fifteen and sixteen year old's are having ridiculous amounts of sex in the hopes of getting pregnant so that they can audition for the show.  The key word in that last sentence is audition they probably won't even make it onto the show.

Now people are blaming MTV for teens wanting to get pregnant and get on the show.  Please don't get me wrong if you hate MTV because they created the Jersey Shore, or because they fed Steve-O hallucinogens until he became the brain damaged chimp that he is today, or because they employ Satan then I have no problems with that, but if you hate MTV because of 16 and Pregnant then you're in the wrong.  16 and Pregnant does not glorify being a teen parent it shows how you CAN NOT be prepared to be a parent at sixteen years old and if anybody who actually complained about the show took the time to watch it they would know this.  And if there is a sixteen year old girl trying to get on this show it is her parents' fault not MTV's.  
   

Three

The Fantastic Four's current run is called Three because the writer Jonathan Hickman is killing off one of the four.  Now I warn you there will be spoilers in this post.  I recently caught up on Hickman's full run on Fantastic Four because I heard about Three and because of my deep seeded hatred for the soulless bastard that is Reed Richards I was so excited when I heard that one of the team would be dying.  I also hate Sue Richards for staying in her loveless marriage with such an emotionally abusive man.  Johnny Storm annoys me to no end because he has been the same one-dimensional womanizer for nearly sixty years.  But then there's Ben.  Ben Grim The Thing who is the team's comic relief and the only one of the four who I can tolerate.  So I was shocked when I really enjoyed Hickman's run on the Four.  He didn't make me like any of the characters any more then before but he just told really good stories with these people that I can't stand.

Anyway lets talk about Three.  Reed and Sue have been collecting dangerously intelligent orphans from all across the universe and Reed has put them and his daughter in a class with a dragon to try and solve the world's problems. Anybody find this strange...  Then let's move on; the first problem they tackle is The Thing's ability to transform into a human.  They come up with a concoction that allows Ben to be a human for one week every year.  We know that one of four characters is going to die and the only one I like has just lost his invulnerability.  But I don't believe it will be Ben who kicks the bucket.  When we last left them, Sue was at the bottom of the sea being the delegate between Namor and a new/ old race of sea people, (or seaple if you'd prefer) Reed was on some far off planet trying to evacuate people before Galactus ate the planet, and Johnny was with human Ben and their band of merry orphans trying to fight off a group of giant bugs that I think were from the negative zone but frankly I don't really know what the Hell is going on in this book!  I don't think The Thing is going to die because he is just to obvious.  I would like it to be Sue.  I want to see some characterization from Reed and Johnny after her death and hopefully the rest of the world will see what a despicable monster Reed Richards is after his wife's death.  But perhaps I'm biased.  I will post again on this topic once we find out which one of the Fantastic Four has died.

So last night my cousin invited me over to hang out.  I agreed because I haven't been out of the house in a few days because of the snow storm that hit the tri-state area like god's money shot.  After shoveling all day I could use a break so she picked me up so I wouldn't have to drive in the state formerly known as New Jersey but is now Moscow.  We picked up another friend and got to their house, ate pancakes and discovered the shocking truth that this was all just a ploy to get us to help dig out my cousin's and her husband's cars!  And to make matters worse I ended up using a shovel that looked like it was made by playskool.  But after the physical labor was complete we ended up playing video games and talking about elves so it wasn't a total loss.

Its The Holiday Season

Well its my first post and I can't think of a better time of year to have it in.  Christmas just passed three days ago and here in NJ it snowed so hard as I'm writing this there is a man who got his car stuck in the middle of the street.  That's what you get for leaving your house in a state of emergency dumbass.

So I got some great gifts for Christmas but some that really took me by surprise.  You can usually suspect what you are going to get but this year my family did a good job of not letting anything slip.  For example, my aunt got me the chronicles of Marvel and DC comic history.  They have always kind of lovingly poked fun at the fact that I'm such a geek and it's nice to know that they accept and support my habit.  I'm working my way through the Marvel one now but its friggin enormous and hardcover.  But I'm learning a lot about Marvel history, like that the first Marvel team book was called Young Allies and was about Bucky and the original Human Torch's sidekick Toro.  Toro's backstory is basically that he was just a kid and when he met the Human Torch he just burst into flames so the Human Torch decided to take him under his fiery, burning wing.  Ah the good old days.

The reason I started this blog is because a great idol of mine Jimmy Pamiati recently stated that if you want to get into writing comics or anything for that matter you have to find a medium to write every day and I hope that this will be mine.