A Bunch of Random Crap Strewn Together Into One Big Ball of Crap!

Wow that is a depressing title but the exclamation point makes it happy.  First let me begin by saying that I am sorry for how dark and unfunny my last post was!  Now that that's out of the way let's begin.  As the title suggests this is just some junk that I've been meaning to talk about or I found amusing.

A conversation my mother and I had while watching the trailer for the new planet of the apes movie,
Mom: Aww I wanna get a monkey.
Me: Yeah but it has to be a super genius.
-No just a stupid regular monkey.
-Well it has to be potty trained.
-We can put a diaper on it.
-I'm not changing no monkey diaper.
-That's the same thing your father said when we brought you back from the hospital.

As you probably already know, DC comics is relaunching all of its titles starting back at number one.  Some people have a problem with this because Adventure (or action who cares I don't read it) comics is the longest running unbroken line of a comic series ever.  It's almost at 1000 issues.  Frankly I don't give a damn about Adventure, Action or even Detective comics.  What I'm upset about is that Secret Six did not get picked up as one of the fifty two series starting at number one.  Instead Gail Simone is working with Ethan Van Skyver on a Firestorm book.  Now I have nothing but good things to say about Gail Simone the fact that she was writing the one book at DC that I actually legally obtained should speak volumes about her work but in my opinion EVS should've kept drawing lions in flash and had a heart attack as long as he got the damn book out on time.  And as much as it pains me to say it I'm not going to keep buying a book, no matter how good it is, if it's constantly delayed...  Seriously what was that lion doing there?!  But I am a little bit happy that Secret Six will have a chance to wrap up.  It doesn't have to go through other creators and a bunch of shitty story lines.  It can just be one perfect un-broken run.

I'm a big fan of Duke Nukem and my brother recently bought the new game.  Now this game has been twelve years coming so expectations were high.  I would love to buy this game but since my main source of income is prayer my brother was kind enough to let me borrow it like sloppy incestuous seconds.  First of all let me just state that after twelve years of waiting, this game could have come with a solid gold eighteen year old prostitute who worked for free, never aged and crapped diamonds and people would still be disappointed.  Now that I've said that let me say this, it is not a good game.  It's a fun game.  There are a lot of challenging bosses and you see boobs but other than that there's really nothing there.  The best part about the game is the fact that they reference other games.  There's an achievement for doing something similar to an objective in Portal and there's an achievement for finding the helmets of the character from Dead Space, Halo and Borderlands.  It's as if he's saying this is where good games come to die.

   

Wow I Couldn't Even Make It One Day!

I am done setting things in stone.  Maybe I'll post a few times a week maybe it will be once a month.  I don't know.  What I do know is that once it's on paper I feel a strong compulsion to not do it.  I could get an offer from DC comics today saying that they would like me to write a Question solo series for an unlimited amount of time for a million dollars an issue.  In short my dream job.  As soon as I signed the contract though, I would lose interest.  Great so now I'm stuck making only a million dollars a month for the next two years.  Hmm I'm going to test a theory.  I need to keep being a lazy douche-bag and not work on any of my comic ideas.

WELCOME TO THE ALL NEW ALL UPDATED COFFIN CHRONICLE!

First of all I would like to apologize to my three readers for having not updating this blog since March.  I'd also like to apologize to the one of my readers who is interested in comics for never giving my opinion on the death of Johnny Storm.  I liked it.  Anyway I am going to attempt to update this blog more regularly.  In fact at least for now I'm going to be posting a new one every day.

A couple of months ago I had an idea for a comic that I was so proud of I actually pitched it to a company.  I'm not going to give the name of said company because they're good people and this is an embarrassing story.  My idea was a graphic novel called Tom vs. Nick.  It would be about Tomas Edison and Nikola Tesla living as next door neighbors and competing inventors.  Instead of them being classy and intelligent though they would be like two frat boys.  "No you're stupid " and a lot of ridiculously unnecessary Tesla inventions.  Like a telephone that only lets you communicate with the angry dead.
 
A big point of the story was that Tomas Edison was a complete idiot until he flew the kite with the key attached to it and was struck by lightning.  Now I put all of this in my email pitch and heard nothing back.  I checked my email every day and douche bag (just wanted to put in that I tried to spell douche bag as one word and spell check told me how to properly spell douche bag) me thought, "oh they just don't understand my vision.  I know it'll be great.  I know it's not Shakespeare but they could at least tell me they're not interested.  I'll show 'em."  But then I did the absolute least bit of research (at this point I hadn't even begun writing) and I learned that it was in fact Ben Franklin who was struck by lightning not Tomas Edison.  I still haven't heard back from them even to tell me I'm an idiot and I don't blame them. I still think it's a good idea it just needs to be tweaked a bit.  Anyway now I've been making candles. 

I Got A Job!

So you may or may not know this but I have been unemployed for some time now.  I'm not gonna say where but I will say its at one of the largest chain home improvement stores in the world and its not Lowes.  I was shocked when I got called for an interview and basically told the guy who ended up being my boss, "I'm sorry I'm nervous you're a very scary man." Then I went through over a week of training before I could work in the parking lot! 

This past week was the first time I was able to don the orange apron and I actually enjoyed myself aside from a few things.  The man they have training me is an eighteen year old high school student who is the most racist person I've ever met.  Yesterday I thought about taking this little abortion survivor to the trash compactor and see if he could crawl his way out before I got the door locked.  But aside from the usual stuff its going well. 

I'd Like to Take a Moment And Talk About My Penis

Before we begin and you come with me on this journey I would like to pose a question.  Would it have made you more or less uncomfortable if I said that I wanted to talk about Jesus Christ?  So lets begin with my penis; there's nothing really special about it.  I can't do push-ups with it like Jack Black, it doesn't ward off Bruce Willis like some rune encrusted divining rod that only leads you to old lady snatch like Ashton Kutcher, and then there's Brett Favre.  Brett Favre sent pictures of his penis from many different angles to a woman to try to impress her.  Brett Favre is a football legend so you would expect his penis to be able to crawl over, take the picture and still be standing next to Favre in the picture (they're the same height in this scenario).  Instead what the poor, frightened woman received was a picture of Mr. Magoo peeking out from a thick tuft of bushes.  Thankfully for everyone in the world, I have never sent a nude pic to anyone.  Though once as a dumb teenager while chatting with a girl online and exchanging pictures I did offer.  I am very grateful that she declined...  Actually she didn't just decline the offer it got to the point where she was saying "FOR GOD'S SAKE NO DON'T SEND ME A PICTURE OF YOUR DICK!!!" 

God and The Reverse Flash

Today I was waxing philosophical, don't worry I was alone in the house, and I began to wonder how God was created.  I should preface this blog with a few things.  First, I do believe in God but I also believe in evolution.  I think God is just another word for the being that set all things in motion.  Secondly, I had just read Geoff John's Flash #8 the origin story of the Reverse Flash.

So how did God come into existence?  Well time is like a stream constantly moving in one direction, but for God all existence in all form is available for visitation (in my mind this makes sense).  So I decided that God may have come into existence by traveling back in time to before he or she existed and then creating him or herself.  Less than a second after this thought popped into my head, I realized that I am stupid.  I immediately began thinking of God as a comic book character.  "God The Planet-Eater" spared the planet Nazareth after he or she adopted the planet's mightiest warrior Jesus as his or her adopted son.  And that is where the name Jesus of Nazareth came from.

I Solve The Teen Pregnancy Problem

Apparently, there is an epidemic of sixteen year old girls across America that are screwing like rabbits.  I know what your thinking, 'I thought epidemics were bad things' but that's inappropriate and I won't have that kind of perversion on my blog.  So back to the underage sex.  You see a few years ago MTV shined a light on these easy teens with the show 16 and Pregnant.  Nobody could have expected how successful the show would become, not even Lucifer the great deceiver who I hear has a sweet VP position over at MTV.  Anyway, now fifteen and sixteen year old's are having ridiculous amounts of sex in the hopes of getting pregnant so that they can audition for the show.  The key word in that last sentence is audition they probably won't even make it onto the show.

Now people are blaming MTV for teens wanting to get pregnant and get on the show.  Please don't get me wrong if you hate MTV because they created the Jersey Shore, or because they fed Steve-O hallucinogens until he became the brain damaged chimp that he is today, or because they employ Satan then I have no problems with that, but if you hate MTV because of 16 and Pregnant then you're in the wrong.  16 and Pregnant does not glorify being a teen parent it shows how you CAN NOT be prepared to be a parent at sixteen years old and if anybody who actually complained about the show took the time to watch it they would know this.  And if there is a sixteen year old girl trying to get on this show it is her parents' fault not MTV's.  
   

Three

The Fantastic Four's current run is called Three because the writer Jonathan Hickman is killing off one of the four.  Now I warn you there will be spoilers in this post.  I recently caught up on Hickman's full run on Fantastic Four because I heard about Three and because of my deep seeded hatred for the soulless bastard that is Reed Richards I was so excited when I heard that one of the team would be dying.  I also hate Sue Richards for staying in her loveless marriage with such an emotionally abusive man.  Johnny Storm annoys me to no end because he has been the same one-dimensional womanizer for nearly sixty years.  But then there's Ben.  Ben Grim The Thing who is the team's comic relief and the only one of the four who I can tolerate.  So I was shocked when I really enjoyed Hickman's run on the Four.  He didn't make me like any of the characters any more then before but he just told really good stories with these people that I can't stand.

Anyway lets talk about Three.  Reed and Sue have been collecting dangerously intelligent orphans from all across the universe and Reed has put them and his daughter in a class with a dragon to try and solve the world's problems. Anybody find this strange...  Then let's move on; the first problem they tackle is The Thing's ability to transform into a human.  They come up with a concoction that allows Ben to be a human for one week every year.  We know that one of four characters is going to die and the only one I like has just lost his invulnerability.  But I don't believe it will be Ben who kicks the bucket.  When we last left them, Sue was at the bottom of the sea being the delegate between Namor and a new/ old race of sea people, (or seaple if you'd prefer) Reed was on some far off planet trying to evacuate people before Galactus ate the planet, and Johnny was with human Ben and their band of merry orphans trying to fight off a group of giant bugs that I think were from the negative zone but frankly I don't really know what the Hell is going on in this book!  I don't think The Thing is going to die because he is just to obvious.  I would like it to be Sue.  I want to see some characterization from Reed and Johnny after her death and hopefully the rest of the world will see what a despicable monster Reed Richards is after his wife's death.  But perhaps I'm biased.  I will post again on this topic once we find out which one of the Fantastic Four has died.