First of all let me just take a moment to apologize to Rachel for making her watch Joe Dirt 2. If you don't know, Rachel is the one who draws these wonderful comics for my shitty little blog here. I pitched her the idea for this here comic and she said she would need to see the scene that I was talking about God bless her. I tried to talk her out of it but she survived the full 106 minutes like the trooper that she is and made, in my humble opinion, our best comic yet.
Normally this is where I would go into a little bit of a summary and review of the work that this week's comic is about but I really don't think that's necessary. It's Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser. What can I say about this film that hasn't already been said? Don't see it. No I take that back. This needs to be seen to be believed. What I should have said is don't support it. Don't give this film money. Don't watch it on Netflix because they still get paid for that. Torrent it and steal it but if you cannot, just do not watch it because giving anyone involved in this piece of shit a single cent would be a crime!
This is not a joke post. This is a very serious matter and I whole-heartedly believe that Terry Gene Bollea (Hulk Hogan) should absolutely not have been fired from World Wrestling Entertainment in the state that it is currently in. That being said, I also whole-heartedly believe that everything Terry Gene Bollea (Hulk Hogan) said is just plain awful, it reflects poorly on his employer and any business in their right mind would have to fire him! Perhaps I should explain.
This is Kamala, "The Ugandan Headunter." He hailed from the "Deepest, Darkest Africa." Kamala would not speak but he would grunt and make animal noises. He even entered the ring with a spear. This abomination of a character was the creation of Jerry "The King" Lawler. You know him, he's the idiot who always wore a crown and thought the pile-driver was a decent finishing move. Jerry "The King" Lawler is currently in the WWE Hall of Fame, Kamala is not... For obvious reasons.
Let's talk about another one of the WWE's proud hall-of-famers. Jesse Ventura. There's a lot that can be said about this man. He's a conspiracy theorist nutjob, he's a terrible actor, he's also extremely racist. Back in the 80's, Jesse Ventura was a commentator for the WWE. At one point he commented on an interview with an African American wrestler, Junk Yard Dog. Ventura thought that JYD was hard to understand so he said he had, "a mouthful of grits." Ventura also referred to Santana, a Latino wrestler, as Chico and nicknamed his finishing move "The Flying Burrito." It got so bad that Vince McMahon himself had to step in and stop him. When Vince McMahon tells you you're acting out of line, you really have to re-evaluate your life. Jesse Ventura is still in the WWE Hall of Fame, Junk Yard Dog and Santana are not.
Not we move on to our worst offender, The Ultimate Warrior. Now I know that The Warrior unfortunately passed away last year and I am not here to disrespect the dead but this is a story about intolerance in the WWE so this needs to be discussed. At an appearance at the University of Connecticut, The Warrior told a gay student, "Take that object out of your mouth when speaking to me." But that wasn't the end of his homophobic tangent. He also stated to the students, "Queering doesn't make the world work." He then played a video of himself tearing an Iraqi flag to pieces. The Warrior is STILL in the WWE Hall of Fame.
What I'm trying to say is that intolerance has always been a part of professional wrestling. And these are just three examples, there are literally dozens more. Firing Hogan and removing him from the Hall of Fame is wrong not because what he said is acceptable. It's wrong because the WWE should not be able to have it's cake and eat it too. This is like being thrown out of the KKK because you burned a cross on the wrong lawn. If firing Hogan is the start in a LONG line of people being fired and removed from the Hall of Fame then I will take down this post and gladly eat my words but until then, enjoy this photo of Kamala and his manager Kim Chee.
Hey issue two of The Coffin Chronicle Comic is out AND it's a day early! Did I quit drinking myself to sleep or something? Of course not. In reality, Rachel of AngoraART took the lead on this one. Personally I think she did a pretty great job too!
Now let's talk about Arkham Knight. It is great. It takes things from the Batman universe that are so terrible, they have never been touched on outside of the comic book world because nobody knew how to. It takes these things and handles them so well that it is shocking. Scenes that were jarring and disturbing in the comics are treated with the proper respect in the video game. My one complaint with the game is the game is the batmobile. It feels great, it's fun to drive, but it just feels ultimately unnecessary. It also doesn't help that every other mission and side quest requires you to use the batmobile in some ridiculous way. I should say that I have not beaten the game yet. I have completed the story proper but I am saving the side quests for last since traditionally they are the best part of the Arkham games. If you would like to watch me and my friend Dan play through Arkham Knight, check out our Let's Play channel EpicGhostPunch.
Welcome to the first ever Coffin Chronicle Comic. Before I give my thoughts on Ant-Man, I would like to thank my partner in this endeavor, the amazingly talented Rachel of AngoraART check out her other stuff it's amazing. She took this stupid joke I came up with after seeing Ant-Man and turned it into this beautiful comic.
Now onto my thoughts on Ant-Man. It was fine. I wish there was more to say about it but that's it. It was painfully fine. Paul Rudd was the perfect actor to play Ant-Man in this movie because it is plain, average and at times a little boring, just like him. This is not an indoctrination of the film. Most movies I see these days are much worse than this and I do think this film is worth your time and money. It is just not the best Marvel has to offer. It is certainly not the worst (I'm looking at you Captain America The First Avenger you flaming pile of uncanny valley garbage.) but it's just not the best. All I can say is that it was fine.
Whelp, it's almost Summer. Which means that the greatest time of the year is almost upon us. Summer blockbuster season. But since Summer blockbuster season is almost here that means that right now is the second greatest time of year. Not christmas you sadist! Tis the season of new trailers!
Lets begin with Jurassic World. The second official trailer for this behemoth was released two days ago and it looks even bigger and Chris Prattyer than originally anticipated. When I saw the first trailer for this film I was skeptical despite everyone else in the world ruining the pair of pants they were wearing with a combination excitement fluid lets just call "gross juice." My skepticism came from one particular part in the trailer where the female business lady says that they decided to make a super dinosaur for lol's. It was at that point where a small part of my brain stood up and said, "alright other personified brain people, I know this is a movie about dinosaurs but this is too much." He then shook a few hands hugged his wife and child and retired.
In this second trailer, they not only continue the stupidity, but they embrace it! Yeah we made a super dinosaur and you know what? She's super smart too! She's such a badass she ate her own brother! Yeah we made two super dinosaurs you got a problem with that? So for half this trailer I was back in. This was going to be a slasher movie where you root for the dumb teens having sex to be murdered by the big bad killer and I couldn't wait. But then... The unexpected. Vincent D'Onofrio showed up. And that part of my brain that retired and was gone for weeks kicked the door in and ran into the room shouting, "No you can't kill Detective Goren!" So you win Jurassic World. You've got me.
Next up lets take a look at Terminator Genisys. I hope I spelled that right, why didn't they just call it genesis? Anyway, this movie looks awesome! I hope they explain why the hell they sent back an old and decrepit Arnold Schwarzenegger model Terminator to fight a young and hot Arnold Schwarzenegger model but aside from that... This movie looks FUCKING AWESOME!
Moving on, we have Batman V Superman Dawn of Justice. Okay, before we get into this trailer I have a confession to make. I really like Man of Steel. I know, I know, die hard comic book fans hate Man of Steel because Superman did more harm than good. He killed as many people as Zod and his people and I know all of this. For all of these reasons and more I love Man of Steel. Superman is a child wielding a sledgehammer for the first time. He has never used his power to such an extent before and when he does, things get destroyed. This first teaser trailer does not show us much but it looks like Dawn of Justice is in direct response to fan criticism. The reason that Batman wants to take out Superman is because he uses his power like a child swinging a sledgehammer. Like I said I love Man of Steel so if they take all of the problems I did have with it and address them, then great!
Now lets discuss the trailer itself. First of all what is the pose Superman is doing for that statue? It looks like he's about to throw a shot-put. I like the way that the scenes in the beginning of the trailer are juxtaposed between people bowing to Superman and just generally being in awe of him, and the stupid shot-put statue that has been gratified to say 'False God'. It really sets the two-sided tone for the movie.
Now lets talk about Batman. Ignoring the fact that Ben Affleck already played this exact same role in Daredevil, that one scene of him as Bruce Wayne looking kinda sad looked alright I guess? But then he puts on the suit. I was really not sure what to expect when it came to the Bat-suit. Being an avid comic reader I know that Batman is able to hold his own in a physical altercation with Superman in his regular old Bat-suit using only a few gadgets and good old Gotham moxie! However, I knew that a regular man in a rubber suit fighting what is essentially a God would be a hard sell to your average movie going audience. The compromise that we got was pleasantly surprising. Batman has kind of got an Iron-Man thing going on. The armor explains how he will be able to take a punch from Supes without dying and how he will be able to hit him and actually get him to feel it. Best of all the armor modulates Ben Affleck's voice so now we will not have fans complaining about how stupid he sounds when he is doing his Batman voice even though HE HAS TO CHANGE HIS VOICE SOMEHOW WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
All this talk about Batman being able to hurt Superman and vice versa leads me to my biggest problem with this movie and that is the premise of the movie itself. Comics have a long tradition of having heroes fight each other for every reason you can imagine; but just because something is a tradition does not mean it is good. Every time I come across one of these issues, after sighing for an hour straight without taking a breath, I think to myself, "couldn't this entire fight be avoided by a simple conversation." Avengers Vs. Xmen, Civil War, World War Hulk, that time Jason Todd came back and was a villain because Batman never killed the Joker, all of these times and countless others could just be avoided if the heroes involved just sat down and talked. But in reality that's not possible. Much like movies, comics need to have explosive action scenes on every page because if they don't they might not sell. Which is probably why independent comics are starting to dominate the scene. I'm getting off topic. The point is that Bruce Wayne is one of the most intelligent people in the DC Comics universe! That is a universe that makes up multiple universes, if you can understand that. He is not the type of character that jumps to conclusions. The fact that the entire plot of this move revolves around Batman being so afraid of Superman that he acts without all of the facts, is laughable... But that's comics.
Whelp it's been almost a year since my last update so it seems like I may be due for a new post. I could say that I've been too busy to post and that work has been taking up most of my time but you and I both know that's just bullshit and lets be honest, you've heard the excuses before. Now please forgive me if this post seems dissimilar to some of my others but The Coffin Chronicle has always been meant to be a bit of therapy session for me and... well sometimes therapy sessions get loud and angry.
Lately people have been asking me if I am okay or if I'm feeling alright and the answer is no I am not. I am far from alright and I certainly don't feel well. I don't feel right about my station in life right now and when I think about the fact that I am twenty-five, still live with my parents and have contributed virtually nothing to society worth while I feel physically ill. I have quit everything I have everything I have ever started. I dropped out of high school, I dropped out of college and quit every job I've ever had! I even consistently quit my very own blog which if you are reading this you are already aware of.
The only thing that has been consistent in my life is video games. I have been a gamer for as long as I can remember. My earliest memory of.. well anything is sitting on my bunk bed with my dad and my brother playing Super Mario Bros. 3 for the NES. I think that the reason I love video games is because they allow me to escape into a reality that is in a lot of ways better than my own. When I'm playing Shadow of The Colossus I'm not some pathetic loser who can't get a date. I'm a man who will topple giants and take on unreal odds to save the love of his life. This is also the reason I'm so critical of bad games. If I can't get immersed in the experience and the world that the developer is trying to make for me than I'm just stuck here in real life, and real life can be painful. This is also the reason I've decided to go back to college. Hopefully, I won't drop out again. I'm going to become a video game developer. If I can help somebody else escape their shitty reality and feel better even for a little while than maybe I can stop feeling so shitty myself.
I hope this entry wasn't too depressing for everyone but if you made it this far thank you, sincerely thank you. I wanted this to be a short post just to let everyone know I'm not dead but I guess I had a lot of stuff to get off my chest. I know I said earlier that I continuously quit this blog but I would never stop doing this for good. The Coffin Chronicle will always be here no matter what.
So I'm sorry I haven't been posting anything lately but I would like to attempt to explain why. I have been very busy with work as I've said before but that's not really an excuse since I only work until four. The truth is I've been miserable at my current job for some time now and I've come to a decision. I'm going to go back to college for journalism. I want to be a game journalist and do this stupid little blog for a living. I sincerely thank all of you for continuing to read The Coffin Chronicle even though it is so infrequently updated. Hopefully that will no longer be a problem since I want to do this as a career.
I also started a YouTube let's play channel with my friend Dan Kurtzke called EpicGhostPunch. If you read this blog you should watch the channel. I'm also adding an episode of the two of us playing Alan Wake at the bottom of this update.
Lastly, I'm back on Twitter you should follow me I am @RobCoffin. Also follow Dan Kurtzke @DanKurtzke most of my posts are re-tweets of his so get them from the source. Thank you again.
