WHAT TIME IS IT!?

Adventure Time has got to be my favorite show and has been for quite some time and I know that it's incredibly successful as well it should be; but I still feel it gets labeled as that silly cartoon when it is much, much more than that.  Whenever I try to explain Adventure Time to somebody it will usually go something like, "It's the story of the last boy on Earth and his dog in a post apocalyptic world.  Where the world is now divided into kingdoms.  There's the Ice Kingdom, the Flame Kingdom and the Candy Kingdom where all the people are made of candy... Hey where ya going?"

As I said before, Adventure Time gets labeled as that silly cartoon when in reality the fact that it's a cartoon should not matter at all.  It is written so well that it should be thought of as a comedy first and foremost.  Unlike most comedies that I have been a fan of, Seinfeld, The Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, Adventure Time actually gets better with age.  Nearly every episode is better than the last and yes it is good enough to compare to Seinfeld.

Now I know what some of you may be thinking, 'Why all the love for Adventure Time? What about Regular Show?'  Well shut your mouth holes imaginary critics I was getting to that.  Regular Show is a show that started shortly after Adventure Time on the same network and has a similar comedy style and it's also pretty great.  The only criticism I have with Regular Show is that all of the episodes have the same formula.  The main characters, Mordecai and Rigby are either at the park or the coffee shop, they then discover they need to accomplish some seemingly normal task, some sort of supernatural force shows up to stop them but they succeed in the end.  Although I just described nearly every Regular Show episode that is not necessarily a bad thing.  The situations may not be entirely original but the jokes are always fresh and entertaining and it's fun to watch the characters interact.

I realize in this post I talked about Regular Show about as much as I did Adventure Time but they go hand in hand in my mind.  And everything that needs to be said about Adventure Time has already been said by others who are much more fanatical than me.  All that's left to be said is that it is one of the best written shows on television with true character development and satisfying story lines.      

The Name of The Doctor (Spoilers)

Recently I watched the season seven finale of Doctor Who entitled "The Name of The Doctor".  First off I would just like to say that this was a really solid episode that I really enjoyed. However, the entire second half of the seventh season just kind of left me feeling empty and wanting more.  It all seemed like a big drumroll leading up to the fiftieth anniversary special.  One of the biggest problems I have with season 7.2 (as on demand calls it) is Clara Oswin Oswald.  Now I wanted to like her I really did and she has some moments when she really shines and she seems like the perfect companion for the doctor but that's kind of the problem.  Aside from a few scenes here and there where she questions the doctor's humanity she seems to just follow him blindly expecting everything to turn up roses and of course we know it will because he's the doctor but why does she know that?  We are supposed to accept this relationship that seems rather forced all because the doctor has seen her die and she is the "impossible girl."  Alright I'll admit that the mystery was intriguing and had a really satisfying ending but when the doctor met the original Clara she really had no reason to trust him or go with him.  Think about it, Amy was the girl who waited for the doctor so of course she would go with him and Rory would follow Amy anywhere.  Donna actually tracked down the doctor to become his companion and I'm sure Rose had something too but whenever I think of her I see her stupid face and forget any plot line she was in; but Clara has none of that.  The doctor just shows up and shows her his box and off they go!

I think maybe I should talk a little about the episode now.  It opened with Clara traveling through time and interacting with all the past doctors.  This was a really cool scene and certainly grabbed my attention.  Long story slightly shorter the great intelligence is going to kill all the people that the doctor currently cares about unless he goes to Trenzalor (yes I know I probably spelled that wrong).  So why Trenzalor?  Well it turns out that is where the doctor is buried, y'know cus time travel.  It is then revealed that when a time lord dies there is no body just a manifestation of their timeline which the great intelligence promptly enters so that he can fuck with the doctor throughout history Reverse Flash style.  Clara goes in to save the doctor and then the doctor goes in to save Clara.  Now quick point here, the doctor entered the room with his timeline and because there were events unfolding that he had not yet experienced he collapsed from pain due to the time paradoxes; but then he goes into his own time line and he's like, "Yeah I'm fine high fives all around!" Well anyway while in the timeline we learn of another regeneration that the doctor wants to keep secret and is ashamed of.

So yeah pretty big reveal at the end and Clara saved the doctor and since the doctor is responsible for entire galaxies she saved them as well so that's cool... Why do I still have this empty feeling? Oh maybe it's because in an episode entitled "The Name of The Doctor" we didn't learn the name of the doctor!  I did a little bit of digging on this subject because I honestly thought I just missed it.  I mean there's no way Stephen Moffat would spend years telling us the name of the doctor is the most powerful secret in the universe then name an episode the name of the doctor and then not tell us the name of the fucking doctor!  What I found through my research is that either this episode was to teach us that the doctor's name is unimportant and that he has so many other secrets that it doesn't matter.  To the people who believe that I say DUH they made fifty years of shows without telling us his goddamn name that wasn't the point.  What I think the title was referring to was the acts committed in "The Name of The Doctor".  The current doctor even says this to the new big reveal doctor.  So I am still holding out hope that we will learn his name.  I mean we have to right? Right?

DC Comics Does Not Care About Black People

When DC relaunched their 52 line about 7 months ago the heroes were a Benetton ad of difference and individuality.  You had Static Shock, Mr. Terrific, Batwoman, Teen Titans promised a cast of all races and Batman Inc on the horizon.  Now it's seven months later and... lotta honkeys round here.  Now I have only read the first issues of Mr. Terrific and Static Shock so maybe they were getting better but Static Shock couldn't even make me care about a boy getting his arm torn off.  I stayed on a bit longer on teen titans but every character in that is like a pun.  The flamboyant Latin kid who wants to be an actor (I'm not sure if they've made him gay yet but it's just a matter of time), Wondergirl who is supposed to be like sixteen has breasts that are so large that she actually has to inform people that they are in fact real.  It's odd; it's as if they removed Power Girl's breasts and distributed them to the most inappropriate places throughout the DC universe.  "What's that your introducing an angel character to Resurrection Man? Can you bump her up a cup size?  Good and shorten that skirt can't have people respecting women too much."

I'm still following Batwoman and every issue has just been great but if she was any whiter she would be translucent.  She is a lesbian which is a minority so DC has got that going for them and they now have a gay couple on Stormwatch.  Honestly, the only black character I can think of is in Green Lantern Corps and that's John Stewart but that's not really his book.  I mean if you have a book that features every Green Lantern except Hal Jordan, occasionally you're going to stumble upon a black guy and I don't think that book should be hailed as some great triumph for being the only one DC has right now.  Also, it's not always that good.  It's kinda hit or miss.  In reality the best written black character DC has right now is The Martian Manhunter and he's not even human! 

my first Vlog attempt

This is me talking about The Walking Dead and Robert Kirkman.  I think I'm gonna do a series of video reviews on bendis' moon knight twelve issue run.  Tell me what you think!

A Bunch of Random Crap Strewn Together Into One Big Ball of Crap!

Wow that is a depressing title but the exclamation point makes it happy.  First let me begin by saying that I am sorry for how dark and unfunny my last post was!  Now that that's out of the way let's begin.  As the title suggests this is just some junk that I've been meaning to talk about or I found amusing.

A conversation my mother and I had while watching the trailer for the new planet of the apes movie,
Mom: Aww I wanna get a monkey.
Me: Yeah but it has to be a super genius.
-No just a stupid regular monkey.
-Well it has to be potty trained.
-We can put a diaper on it.
-I'm not changing no monkey diaper.
-That's the same thing your father said when we brought you back from the hospital.

As you probably already know, DC comics is relaunching all of its titles starting back at number one.  Some people have a problem with this because Adventure (or action who cares I don't read it) comics is the longest running unbroken line of a comic series ever.  It's almost at 1000 issues.  Frankly I don't give a damn about Adventure, Action or even Detective comics.  What I'm upset about is that Secret Six did not get picked up as one of the fifty two series starting at number one.  Instead Gail Simone is working with Ethan Van Skyver on a Firestorm book.  Now I have nothing but good things to say about Gail Simone the fact that she was writing the one book at DC that I actually legally obtained should speak volumes about her work but in my opinion EVS should've kept drawing lions in flash and had a heart attack as long as he got the damn book out on time.  And as much as it pains me to say it I'm not going to keep buying a book, no matter how good it is, if it's constantly delayed...  Seriously what was that lion doing there?!  But I am a little bit happy that Secret Six will have a chance to wrap up.  It doesn't have to go through other creators and a bunch of shitty story lines.  It can just be one perfect un-broken run.

I'm a big fan of Duke Nukem and my brother recently bought the new game.  Now this game has been twelve years coming so expectations were high.  I would love to buy this game but since my main source of income is prayer my brother was kind enough to let me borrow it like sloppy incestuous seconds.  First of all let me just state that after twelve years of waiting, this game could have come with a solid gold eighteen year old prostitute who worked for free, never aged and crapped diamonds and people would still be disappointed.  Now that I've said that let me say this, it is not a good game.  It's a fun game.  There are a lot of challenging bosses and you see boobs but other than that there's really nothing there.  The best part about the game is the fact that they reference other games.  There's an achievement for doing something similar to an objective in Portal and there's an achievement for finding the helmets of the character from Dead Space, Halo and Borderlands.  It's as if he's saying this is where good games come to die.

   

Wow I Couldn't Even Make It One Day!

I am done setting things in stone.  Maybe I'll post a few times a week maybe it will be once a month.  I don't know.  What I do know is that once it's on paper I feel a strong compulsion to not do it.  I could get an offer from DC comics today saying that they would like me to write a Question solo series for an unlimited amount of time for a million dollars an issue.  In short my dream job.  As soon as I signed the contract though, I would lose interest.  Great so now I'm stuck making only a million dollars a month for the next two years.  Hmm I'm going to test a theory.  I need to keep being a lazy douche-bag and not work on any of my comic ideas.

WELCOME TO THE ALL NEW ALL UPDATED COFFIN CHRONICLE!

First of all I would like to apologize to my three readers for having not updating this blog since March.  I'd also like to apologize to the one of my readers who is interested in comics for never giving my opinion on the death of Johnny Storm.  I liked it.  Anyway I am going to attempt to update this blog more regularly.  In fact at least for now I'm going to be posting a new one every day.

A couple of months ago I had an idea for a comic that I was so proud of I actually pitched it to a company.  I'm not going to give the name of said company because they're good people and this is an embarrassing story.  My idea was a graphic novel called Tom vs. Nick.  It would be about Tomas Edison and Nikola Tesla living as next door neighbors and competing inventors.  Instead of them being classy and intelligent though they would be like two frat boys.  "No you're stupid " and a lot of ridiculously unnecessary Tesla inventions.  Like a telephone that only lets you communicate with the angry dead.
 
A big point of the story was that Tomas Edison was a complete idiot until he flew the kite with the key attached to it and was struck by lightning.  Now I put all of this in my email pitch and heard nothing back.  I checked my email every day and douche bag (just wanted to put in that I tried to spell douche bag as one word and spell check told me how to properly spell douche bag) me thought, "oh they just don't understand my vision.  I know it'll be great.  I know it's not Shakespeare but they could at least tell me they're not interested.  I'll show 'em."  But then I did the absolute least bit of research (at this point I hadn't even begun writing) and I learned that it was in fact Ben Franklin who was struck by lightning not Tomas Edison.  I still haven't heard back from them even to tell me I'm an idiot and I don't blame them. I still think it's a good idea it just needs to be tweaked a bit.  Anyway now I've been making candles.