No Shave Bayonetta!

Sorry for the late upload but yesterday was Thanksgiving so we decided to take the day off.  If you like this comic please share it and I hope you all had a happy Thanksgiving!

D-Dog, The Greatest Sidekick In All Of Gaming?

I would like to thank my brother Dave for coming up with the idea for this comic when we were playing MGS 5 together a couple of weeks ago.  Speaking of a couple of weeks ago, you may have noticed that we here at the CCC took two weeks off.  The reason for this is because the artist on these lovely comics, Rachel has had a rough two weeks and could not find time to draw anything.  If you are a fan of these comics show her some love at her page AngoraART.  Also you might want to check out my let's play channel EpicGhostPunch. Thank you for your continued support and we should be back to our regular schedule now.

Sexism In Video Games And Comics

I was raised by a lower-class family in New Jersey.  I had anxiety disorders that made going to school terrifying and actually physically painful.  I later discovered that I had epilepsy which would explain several of my other problems like having little to no long term memory.  I was severely depressed.  I had plenty of friends and family supporting me but despite their best efforts, they could often times make me feel worse when attempting to make me feel better.  Throughout all of this my only escape was through video games and comic books.

Video games allowed me to enter a fully realized different world where I could take control of somebody else for a number of hours and fix all of their problems by solving a series of simple puzzles, or fight the bad guys.  Helping the protagonists in the games I was playing seemed to help me.  I felt accomplished after I would complete a game or after I would defeat a difficult boss fight.

Comic books were great too.  They offered an entirely different escape than video games did but they still helped.  Comics made me feel like I could do anything.  Whether I was reading about superheroes leaping buildings in a single bound or more independent comics about people going through the same things I was, suddenly I didn't feel so alone. But then something happened, I grew up.  I looked behind the curtain and saw that there was no magic wizard back there.  It's just a sad, lonely, old man.

Something that games and comics taught me was that, everyone is created equal.  Man, woman, black, white, gay, straight, it does not matter.  If I learned anything from Mass Effect and X-men it's that we are all the same.  We are all broken, flawed, beautiful and the same.  Which is why the amount of sexism recently coming out of the video game and comic book community is so disconcerting.

It's at least once a month where I see an article like this over on Polygon, or something like this showing up just about everywhere.  The scariest part about these articles is that they are not really news.  The first deals with women in E-sports being harassed but it focuses on one woman in particular.  I'm not saying that is a bad thing but if someone at Polygon wanted to just write about women being harassed in gaming that would not be a story because everyone already knows about that!  I used to enjoy playing Halo and COD online and communicating with my teammates but now the first thing I do is mute my teammates because of all of the hate speech out there.  The second article I posted also only focuses on one person but this time it focuses on the harasser.  A man named Scott Allie who works at Dark Horse Comics is finally being called out for his years of drunken, disgusting behavior but once again it seems once the truth comes out about Scott, nobody seems surprised.  Everybody seems to know but is just keeping it secret for the good of the company.

There are more male gamers than females and there are more male comic readers than females but it is not because men are better at games or because men are smarter than women because that is simply not true.  The reason is because of things like this, and this and finally this.  I highly recommend that you read all of the articles I linked in this article because they are written by people much smarter and more talented than I; but the point is, this is nothing new.  As I said before, video games and comics taught me that we are all equal and now the people who create and use these products the most no longer hold that belief dear.  We all turn to these outlets for one reason or another but usually because we have no other choice.  Video games and comic books are main stream now but they will always have a tiny stigma attached to them and that is what links us together as fans.  We are all outcasts in one way or another which is what attracted us to the medium in the first place.  Some of my best friends I met because of our mutual fandoms and thinking back on my childhood I can not imagine ever turning away a potential friend because they looked different.  We as a society need to change. 

Halloween With Kojima!

Sorry for being a day late with this one but hey now it's closer to Halloween! Anyway, I can not wait for December to hear what Mr. Kojima has to say but until then HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYBODY!

SOMA Intimates!

So did you guys know there's an underwear store called Soma Intimates? Cus I sure didn't... Anyway Soma looks great can't wait to play it once I have a PC that can handle it.  As usual amazing work by Rachel of AngoraART.  And if you like the humor in these here little webcomics then you should check out my YouTube channel EpicGhostPunch.  As always thanks for reading.

Fall of The Tomb Raider

Hey folks sorry for taking a week off but we needed a vacation and I forgot to tell you guys so what are ya gonna do?  Anyway, let's talk about the comic shall we! Tomb Raider was free to Xbox live Gold members and man is that a great game... but what is the deal with the hyper violent death scenes!?  If you missed us while we were away, why not show us some love and check out Rachel's art page AngoraART.  And if you like video games check out my let's play channel EpicGhostPunch. Thanks for reading.

The Moon is Full of Malice Again

That was one Bloodborne ass moon the other night! I'm assuming... I stayed inside and played Tomb Raider.  But anyway, if you don't get the title then check out our Killer is Dead playthrough over on EpicGhostPunch and if you like Rachel's art, giver her some love over at AngoraART.

Street Fighter V

Wow people are dumb! That being said, SFV looks great and Mika and Rashid both look amazing.  I can't wait to see who Capcom announces next and I can't wait to get hands on time with this game.

Hunie Pop!

Hey we're back everyone! This comic was all Rachel's idea so go to her AngoraART page and show her some support.  Anyway, Hunie Pop is a crazy awesome dating sim that's really popular right now.  If you're unfamiliar I recommend checking out Markiplier's play through of it and am I crazy or is that Markiplier in the comic?

Dragon-Con Update

Today is Wednesday which means that normally there would be a Coffin Chronicle Comic posted either today or tomorrow but unfortunately this update here to inform you that there will be no comic this week.  Now calm down, The Coffin Chronicle Comic will return next week bigger and better than ever but right now Rachel and I are exhausted and need a week off.  If you are a long time fan of The Chronicle you will know that missing a post is nothing new but we always return with another head and more power!  Also, consistently making posts for two and a half months is really good for The Chronicle.

Anyway, the reason The Coffin Chronicle Comic is taking a week off is because, if you read our last comic you will already know, we recently attended Dragon-Con.  If you don't know, Dragon-Con is mainly a cosplay convention but almost every other fandom is well represented there as well.  Anime, film, comics, gaming, My Little Pony, Star Trek, Star Wars, no matter what you're into you can find it at Dragon-Con.  Rachel and her fiancé John were kind enough to allow us to stay with them during the convention.  I say us because my co-host on the Let's Play channel EpicGhostPunch also came down and stayed with us.  Also staying with us was the host of the kick ass YouTube channel TheSirkShow24/7 Kriss Lewis.  He has the life I want to have when I grow up... Even though we're the same age. There was also Hilary and Logan who came down from Philly.  If you don't know Hilary, Rachel and I do a podcast called The Gotham Girls where we discuss the lovely ladies of the DC universe so if that sounds interesting please click the link.  I'm sorry for turning this post into just plugging a bunch of shit but I only get to see this particular set of friends once a year and they all do such awesome things! Oh before I forget, since you won't be able to see Rachel's amazing artwork on The Chronicle this week why not click this link and give her some support!

So I guess that's it.  The con was awesome.  I bought swords.  I also bought a Dreamcast and some games.  John and Rachel gave us an original Xbox and an epic collection of games so if you are a fan of EpicGhostPunch you have that to look forward to!

DRAGONCON!!!!!

Dragon Con is here and it's already awesome!  I am staying with the incredibly talented Rachel for the con so this is the first time since we started this little web-comic that we are actually in the same room together! Check out Rachel's other work over at AngoraART.  Now if you will excuse me it's party time!

Dragon Age: Inquisition

The good: It is a very beautiful game with lot of great character designs. Even the characters that I  disliked I could find something charming about their looks and personality. The story could be a bit  complicated to keep up with at times, but it was great and full of action, drama, and romance. I played the game on casual since it's an extremely long game and I really just wanted to get through the story. Even with the game on casual I found the fighting to be very fun and plentiful. I may have liked it even more than story, and I'm usually all about casual story driven gaming. I even REALLY enjoyed playing as a Mage which I usually despise playing for some reason. I rarely got bored while running around fighting demons and various types of bandits and thugs. It's a game you can literally get lost in. You could be trying to find your next mission and get swept away closing rifts or discovering new areas, then you'll ask "Wait, wasn't I doing something for the main quest?" The bad: Sometimes I would get confused about what was happening. I feel like there were a few times I couldn't make a proper decision, because I wasn't given enough information, information that is dire. Is so and so evil and kills for fun? Are they racist against elves? what does this group in particular stand for? That sort of information needs to be stated at least more than once before you make a decision sometimes, especially when the virtual approval of others depends on it. I love the majority of the inner circle quests, but I absolutely hate the ones that make you go gather or kill a bunch of things all throughout the map. I spent a good chunk of the game just being like "Well, I'm never gonna know what Blackwall is really like, because he wants me to get this list of stuff and a chunk of it is in some secret part of the map that I can't access due to mountains and doors." There were parts of the map so hidden I'm not even sure if it was a glitch or not. The ugly: There was only one major crash during my play through, which of course happened without a save. The game does have a few weird visual quirks to it though. These wouldn't bother me if the game was a little older or not as beautiful as it is, but they really stand out to me. Close up shots of characters get weird, eyelashes glitch through eyelids and teeth glitch through mouths. It can be distracting when your like "Woah, look at the detail on this charact- OMG WHY ARE THE SNARLING AT ME?!" It's really disturbing. Another big visual glitch I experienced was that Solas had his helmet on when we were at the ball (both in cutscenes and out of), but it was interfering with his ball getup, so he had helmet going through his head while he was asking me to dance. It was hilarious, but I don't think that's how the creators envisioned that precious moment in the Solas romance. The personal: (SPOILERS- this section contain spoilers involving the characters Varric and Solas, skip to "Overall" to miss). Why can't we romance Varric? He is my all time favorite character in the game. He arguably has the best dialogue. His "girlfriend" is married, he says he's not even allowed to see her and they argue A LOT. You should be able to tell him, "Dude, this girl is leading you on, she's going to hurt you". Maybe it's just me, but I really think the Varric romance is a missed opportunity. Romancing Solas was depressing and to say I'm disappointed would be to put it lightly. He dumps you saying he's distracting you from battle, immediately after having a nice moment with him. He tells you he'll talk to you about it again after you defeat Corypheus, but then he leaves! He's just gone, not even a goodbye? Please tell me DLC is to come. Overall: I had a lot of nit-picky problems with the game, but I really did enjoy it. You really get your money's worth with the amount of gameplay. So many decisions and quests! It's been a while since I've played a game this involved, and I wish to play my next play through as a Qunari. Maybe a little more relaxed gameplay this time and less rushing to finish the story. Written by AngoraART Facebook: www.facebook.com/angorart Twitter: twitter.com/AngoraART Tumblr: angoraart.tumblr.com/ Etsy: www.etsy.com/shop/AngoraShop

Nobody Likes Mr. Pants

Not much to say about this one.  Rare Replay is awesome.  They picked a great selection of games and going back and playing Conker's Bad Fur Day made me feel like a kid again.  It's a must have for a Xbone owners.  It's just a shame that It's Mr. Pants didn't make the cut.  As always the art for this week's comic was done by the fabulously talented Rachel of AngoraART.  Check the link for more of her content she is awesome.  And don't forget to check out my let's play channel EpicGhostPunch since you clearly have great taste in video games and comedy.

This Conversation Totally Happened!

So let me just say that I think Quantum Break looks awesome.  The graphics look crazy good, I love the time powers effect, and I will happily watch that ninety minute live action movie that is in the game (my favorite part of Alan Wake was watching all of those Night Springs episodes).  My problem with Quantum Break is that it is Quantum Break.  I know it sounds childish but... I WANT ALAN WAKE 2!  Remedy Studios has said that they are still working on the sequel and are hopeful to get it made but I want it now!

Heaven is Joe Dirt 2

First of all let me just take a moment to apologize to Rachel for making her watch Joe Dirt 2.  If you don't know, Rachel is the one who draws these wonderful comics for my shitty little blog here.  I pitched her the idea for this here comic and she said she would need to see the scene that I was talking about God bless her.  I tried to talk her out of it but she survived the full 106 minutes like the trooper that she is and made, in my humble opinion, our best comic yet.

Normally this is where I would go into a little bit of a summary and review of the work that this week's comic is about but I really don't think that's necessary.  It's Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser.  What can I say about this film that hasn't already been said?  Don't see it.  No I take that back.  This needs to be seen to be believed. What I should have said is don't support it.  Don't give this film money.  Don't watch it on Netflix because they still get paid for that.  Torrent it and steal it but if you cannot, just do not watch it because giving anyone involved in this piece of shit a single cent would be a crime!

Hulk Hogan Should Not Have Been Fired From The WWE

This is not a joke post.  This is a very serious matter and I whole-heartedly believe that Terry Gene Bollea (Hulk Hogan) should absolutely not have been fired from World Wrestling Entertainment in the state that it is currently in.  That being said, I also whole-heartedly believe that everything Terry Gene Bollea (Hulk Hogan) said is just plain awful, it reflects poorly on his employer and any business in their right mind would have to fire him!  Perhaps I should explain.

This is Kamala, "The Ugandan Headunter."  He hailed from the "Deepest, Darkest Africa."  Kamala would not speak but he would grunt and make animal noises.  He even entered the ring with a spear.  This abomination of a character was the creation of Jerry "The King" Lawler.  You know him, he's the idiot who always wore a crown and thought the pile-driver was a decent finishing move.  Jerry "The King" Lawler is currently in the WWE Hall of Fame, Kamala is not... For obvious reasons.

Let's talk about another one of the WWE's proud hall-of-famers.  Jesse Ventura.  There's a lot that can be said about this man.  He's a conspiracy theorist nutjob, he's a terrible actor, he's also extremely racist.  Back in the 80's, Jesse Ventura was a commentator for the WWE.  At one point he commented on an interview with an African American wrestler, Junk Yard Dog.  Ventura thought that JYD was hard to understand so he said he had, "a mouthful of grits."  Ventura also referred to Santana, a Latino wrestler, as Chico and nicknamed his finishing move "The Flying Burrito." It got so bad that Vince McMahon himself had to step in and stop him.  When Vince McMahon tells you you're acting out of line, you really have to re-evaluate your life.  Jesse Ventura is still in the WWE Hall of Fame, Junk Yard Dog and Santana are not.

Not we move on to our worst offender, The Ultimate Warrior.  Now I know that The Warrior unfortunately passed away last year and I am not here to disrespect the dead but this is a story about intolerance in the WWE so this needs to be discussed.  At an appearance at the University of Connecticut, The Warrior told a gay student, "Take that object out of your mouth when speaking to me." But that wasn't the end of his homophobic tangent.  He also stated to the students, "Queering doesn't make the world work." He then played a video of himself tearing an Iraqi flag to pieces.  The Warrior is STILL in the WWE Hall of Fame.

What I'm trying to say is that intolerance  has always been a part of professional wrestling.  And these are just three examples, there are literally dozens more.  Firing Hogan and removing him from the Hall of Fame is wrong not because what he said is acceptable.  It's wrong because the WWE should not be able to have it's cake and eat it too.  This is like being thrown out of the KKK because you burned a cross on the wrong lawn.  If firing Hogan is the start in a LONG line of people being fired and removed from the Hall of Fame then I will take down this post and gladly eat my words but until then, enjoy this photo of Kamala and his manager Kim Chee.

Batman's Super Power

Hey issue two of The Coffin Chronicle Comic is out AND it's a day early!  Did I quit drinking myself to sleep or something?  Of course not.  In reality, Rachel of AngoraART took the lead on this one.  Personally I think she did a pretty great job too!

Now let's talk about Arkham Knight.  It is great.  It takes things from the Batman universe that are so terrible, they have never been touched on outside of the comic book world because nobody knew how to.  It takes these things and handles them so well that it is shocking.  Scenes that were jarring and disturbing in the comics are treated with the proper respect in the video game.  My one complaint with the game is the game is the batmobile.  It feels great, it's fun to drive, but it just feels ultimately unnecessary.  It also doesn't help that every other mission and side quest requires you to use the batmobile in some ridiculous way.  I should say that I have not beaten the game yet.  I have completed the story proper but I am saving the side quests for last since traditionally they are the best part of the Arkham games.  If you would like to watch me and my friend Dan play through Arkham Knight, check out our Let's Play channel EpicGhostPunch.

The True Ending To Marvel's Ant-Man

Welcome to the first ever Coffin Chronicle Comic.  Before I give my thoughts on Ant-Man, I would like to thank my partner in this endeavor, the amazingly talented Rachel of AngoraART check out her other stuff it's amazing.  She took this stupid joke I came up with after seeing Ant-Man and turned it into this beautiful comic.

Now onto my thoughts on Ant-Man.  It was fine.  I wish there was more to say about it but that's it.  It was painfully fine.  Paul Rudd was the perfect actor to play Ant-Man in this movie because it is plain, average and at times a little boring, just like him.  This is not an indoctrination of the film.  Most movies I see these days are much worse than this and I do think this film is worth your time and money.  It is just not the best Marvel has to offer.  It is certainly not the worst (I'm looking at you Captain America The First Avenger you flaming pile of uncanny valley garbage.) but it's just not the best.  All I can say is that it was fine.

NEW TRAILER-SPLOSION EXTRAVAGANZA!

Whelp, it's almost Summer.  Which means that the greatest time of the year is almost upon us. Summer blockbuster season.  But since Summer blockbuster season is almost here that means that right now is the second greatest time of year.  Not christmas you sadist!  Tis the season of new trailers!

Lets begin with Jurassic World.  The second official trailer for this behemoth was released two days ago and it looks even bigger and Chris Prattyer than originally anticipated.  When I saw the first trailer for this film I was skeptical despite everyone else in the world ruining the pair of pants they were wearing with a combination excitement fluid lets just call "gross juice."  My skepticism came from one particular part in the trailer where the female business lady says that they decided to make a super dinosaur for lol's.  It was at that point where a small part of my brain stood up and said, "alright other personified brain people, I know this is a movie about dinosaurs but this is too much." He then shook a few hands hugged his wife and child and retired.

In this second trailer, they not only continue the stupidity, but they embrace it!  Yeah we made a super dinosaur and you know what?  She's super smart too!  She's such a badass she ate her own brother!  Yeah we made two super dinosaurs you got a problem with that?  So for half this trailer I was back in.  This was going to be a slasher movie where you root for the dumb teens having sex to be murdered by the big bad killer and I couldn't wait.  But then... The unexpected.  Vincent D'Onofrio showed up.  And that part of my brain that retired and was gone for weeks kicked the door in and ran into the room shouting, "No you can't kill Detective Goren!" So you win Jurassic World.  You've got me.

Next up lets take a look at Terminator Genisys.  I hope I spelled that right, why didn't they just call it genesis?  Anyway, this movie looks awesome!  I hope they explain why the hell they sent back an old and decrepit Arnold Schwarzenegger model Terminator to fight a young and hot Arnold Schwarzenegger model but aside from that... This movie looks FUCKING AWESOME!

Moving on, we have Batman V Superman Dawn of Justice.  Okay, before we get into this trailer I have a confession to make.  I really like Man of Steel.  I know, I know, die hard comic book fans hate Man of Steel because Superman did more harm than good.  He killed as many people as Zod and his people and I know all of this.  For all of these reasons and more I love Man of Steel.  Superman is a child wielding a sledgehammer for the first time.  He has never used his power to such an extent before and when he does, things get destroyed.  This first teaser trailer does not show us much but it looks like Dawn of Justice is in direct response to fan criticism.  The reason that Batman wants to take out Superman is because he uses his power like a child swinging a sledgehammer.  Like I said I love Man of Steel so if they take all of the problems I did have with it and address them, then great!

Now lets discuss the trailer itself.  First of all what is the pose Superman is doing for that statue? It looks like he's about to throw a shot-put.  I like the way that the scenes in the beginning of the trailer are juxtaposed between people bowing to Superman and just generally being in awe of him, and the stupid shot-put statue that has been gratified to say 'False God'. It really sets the two-sided tone for the movie.

Now lets talk about Batman.  Ignoring the fact that Ben Affleck already played this exact same role in Daredevil, that one scene of him as Bruce Wayne looking kinda sad looked alright I guess?  But then he puts on the suit.  I was really not sure what to expect when it came to the Bat-suit.  Being an avid comic reader I know that Batman is able to hold his own in a physical altercation with Superman in his regular old Bat-suit using only a few gadgets and good old Gotham moxie!  However, I knew that a regular man in a rubber suit fighting what is essentially a God would be a hard sell to your average movie going audience.  The compromise that we got was pleasantly surprising.  Batman has kind of got an Iron-Man thing going on.  The armor explains how he will be able to take a punch from Supes without dying and how he will be able to hit him and actually get him to feel it.  Best of all the armor modulates Ben Affleck's voice so now we will not have fans complaining about how stupid he sounds when he is doing his Batman voice even though HE HAS TO CHANGE HIS VOICE SOMEHOW WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

All this talk about Batman being able to hurt Superman and vice versa leads me to my biggest problem with this movie and that is the premise of the movie itself.  Comics have a long tradition of having heroes fight each other for every reason you can imagine; but just because something is a tradition does not mean it is good.  Every time I come across one of these issues, after sighing for an hour straight without taking a breath, I think to myself, "couldn't this entire fight be avoided by a simple conversation."  Avengers Vs. Xmen, Civil War, World War Hulk, that time Jason Todd came back and was a villain because Batman never killed the Joker, all of these times and countless others could just be avoided if the heroes involved just sat down and talked.  But in reality that's not possible. Much like movies, comics need to have explosive action scenes on every page because if they don't they might not sell.  Which is probably why independent comics are starting to dominate the scene.  I'm getting off topic.  The point is that Bruce Wayne is one of the most intelligent people in the DC Comics universe! That is a universe that makes up multiple universes, if you can understand that.  He is not the type of character that jumps to conclusions.  The fact that the entire plot of this move revolves around Batman being so afraid of Superman that he acts without all of the facts, is laughable...  But that's comics.

What's Been Going On In My Neck Of The Woods?

Whelp it's been almost a year since my last update so it seems like I may be due for a new post.  I could say that I've been too busy to post and that work has been taking up most of my time but you and I both know that's just bullshit and lets be honest, you've heard the excuses before.  Now please forgive me if this post seems dissimilar to some of my others but The Coffin Chronicle has always been meant to be a bit of therapy session for me and... well sometimes therapy sessions get loud and angry.

Lately people have been asking me if I am okay or if I'm feeling alright and the answer is no I am not.  I am far from alright and I certainly don't feel well.  I don't feel right about my station in life right now and when I think about the fact that I am twenty-five, still live with my parents and have contributed virtually nothing to society worth while I feel physically ill.  I have quit everything I have everything I have ever started.  I dropped out of high school, I dropped out of college and quit every job I've ever had!  I even consistently quit my very own blog which if you are reading this you are already aware of.

The only thing that has been consistent in my life is video games.  I have been a gamer for as long as I can remember.  My earliest memory of.. well anything is sitting on my bunk bed with my dad and my brother playing Super Mario Bros. 3 for the NES.  I think that the reason I love video games is because they allow me to escape into a reality that is in a lot of ways better than my own.  When I'm playing Shadow of The Colossus I'm not some pathetic loser who can't get a date.  I'm a man who will topple giants and take on unreal odds to save the love of his life.  This is also the reason I'm so critical of bad games.  If I can't get immersed in the experience and the world that the developer is trying to make for me than I'm just stuck here in real life, and real life can be painful.  This is also the reason I've decided to go back to college.  Hopefully, I won't drop out again.  I'm going to become a video game developer.  If I can help somebody else escape their shitty reality and feel better even for a little while than maybe I can stop feeling so shitty myself.

I hope this entry wasn't too depressing for everyone but if you made it this far thank you, sincerely thank you.  I wanted this to be a short post just to let everyone know I'm not dead but I guess I had a lot of stuff to get off my chest.  I know I said earlier that I continuously quit this blog but I would never stop doing this for good.  The Coffin Chronicle will always be here no matter what.