A Bunch of Random Crap Strewn Together Into One Big Ball of Crap!

Wow that is a depressing title but the exclamation point makes it happy.  First let me begin by saying that I am sorry for how dark and unfunny my last post was!  Now that that's out of the way let's begin.  As the title suggests this is just some junk that I've been meaning to talk about or I found amusing.

A conversation my mother and I had while watching the trailer for the new planet of the apes movie,
Mom: Aww I wanna get a monkey.
Me: Yeah but it has to be a super genius.
-No just a stupid regular monkey.
-Well it has to be potty trained.
-We can put a diaper on it.
-I'm not changing no monkey diaper.
-That's the same thing your father said when we brought you back from the hospital.

As you probably already know, DC comics is relaunching all of its titles starting back at number one.  Some people have a problem with this because Adventure (or action who cares I don't read it) comics is the longest running unbroken line of a comic series ever.  It's almost at 1000 issues.  Frankly I don't give a damn about Adventure, Action or even Detective comics.  What I'm upset about is that Secret Six did not get picked up as one of the fifty two series starting at number one.  Instead Gail Simone is working with Ethan Van Skyver on a Firestorm book.  Now I have nothing but good things to say about Gail Simone the fact that she was writing the one book at DC that I actually legally obtained should speak volumes about her work but in my opinion EVS should've kept drawing lions in flash and had a heart attack as long as he got the damn book out on time.  And as much as it pains me to say it I'm not going to keep buying a book, no matter how good it is, if it's constantly delayed...  Seriously what was that lion doing there?!  But I am a little bit happy that Secret Six will have a chance to wrap up.  It doesn't have to go through other creators and a bunch of shitty story lines.  It can just be one perfect un-broken run.

I'm a big fan of Duke Nukem and my brother recently bought the new game.  Now this game has been twelve years coming so expectations were high.  I would love to buy this game but since my main source of income is prayer my brother was kind enough to let me borrow it like sloppy incestuous seconds.  First of all let me just state that after twelve years of waiting, this game could have come with a solid gold eighteen year old prostitute who worked for free, never aged and crapped diamonds and people would still be disappointed.  Now that I've said that let me say this, it is not a good game.  It's a fun game.  There are a lot of challenging bosses and you see boobs but other than that there's really nothing there.  The best part about the game is the fact that they reference other games.  There's an achievement for doing something similar to an objective in Portal and there's an achievement for finding the helmets of the character from Dead Space, Halo and Borderlands.  It's as if he's saying this is where good games come to die.

   

Wow I Couldn't Even Make It One Day!

I am done setting things in stone.  Maybe I'll post a few times a week maybe it will be once a month.  I don't know.  What I do know is that once it's on paper I feel a strong compulsion to not do it.  I could get an offer from DC comics today saying that they would like me to write a Question solo series for an unlimited amount of time for a million dollars an issue.  In short my dream job.  As soon as I signed the contract though, I would lose interest.  Great so now I'm stuck making only a million dollars a month for the next two years.  Hmm I'm going to test a theory.  I need to keep being a lazy douche-bag and not work on any of my comic ideas.

WELCOME TO THE ALL NEW ALL UPDATED COFFIN CHRONICLE!

First of all I would like to apologize to my three readers for having not updating this blog since March.  I'd also like to apologize to the one of my readers who is interested in comics for never giving my opinion on the death of Johnny Storm.  I liked it.  Anyway I am going to attempt to update this blog more regularly.  In fact at least for now I'm going to be posting a new one every day.

A couple of months ago I had an idea for a comic that I was so proud of I actually pitched it to a company.  I'm not going to give the name of said company because they're good people and this is an embarrassing story.  My idea was a graphic novel called Tom vs. Nick.  It would be about Tomas Edison and Nikola Tesla living as next door neighbors and competing inventors.  Instead of them being classy and intelligent though they would be like two frat boys.  "No you're stupid " and a lot of ridiculously unnecessary Tesla inventions.  Like a telephone that only lets you communicate with the angry dead.
 
A big point of the story was that Tomas Edison was a complete idiot until he flew the kite with the key attached to it and was struck by lightning.  Now I put all of this in my email pitch and heard nothing back.  I checked my email every day and douche bag (just wanted to put in that I tried to spell douche bag as one word and spell check told me how to properly spell douche bag) me thought, "oh they just don't understand my vision.  I know it'll be great.  I know it's not Shakespeare but they could at least tell me they're not interested.  I'll show 'em."  But then I did the absolute least bit of research (at this point I hadn't even begun writing) and I learned that it was in fact Ben Franklin who was struck by lightning not Tomas Edison.  I still haven't heard back from them even to tell me I'm an idiot and I don't blame them. I still think it's a good idea it just needs to be tweaked a bit.  Anyway now I've been making candles.